Lampedusa Getaway

A Bigger Splash, Directed by Luca Guadagnino with Ralph Feinnes and Tilda Swinton, Curzon Soho, Friday 26 March

You have to wonder, did Ralph rang Tilda one day, in the depths of the English winter and say, 'Hey, do you fancy doing a film somewhere hot, like a Greek Island, or Sicily maybe, you know where there's a pool and they have a barbecue? If we remake an old film, the script won't cost much and we can spend the money on a really nice place to stay. What do you think?'

And Tilda replied, 'Sure, but if there's going to be a pool you have to get your kit off. I'm sick of being the only one who has to be naked in these bloody films.'

And Ralph said, 'No Problem. I've got the perfect project, La Piscine, the pool, get it? That'll be a good wheeze.'

'Let's do it!' Tilda said.

And so they did, dear readers, and here we all are now, discussing A Bigger Splash.

Yes, there's a pool, and a beach, and a lovely lake, and lots of scenery, and a pretty nice house. Oh, and an amazing restaurant which doesn't really look like a restaurant but must have the most amazing food.

Ralph is as good as his word and gets his kit off. Tilda does as well. The one from that grey film, she gets her kit off too, by the lovely lake.

You think I'm not taking this film seriously?

Ralph basically phones it in, but in a fashion that suggests he's concerned the phone isn't working properly. He shouts and throws around a lot of zany rock and roll energy. He seems to be in love with Tilda still.

Tilda can't speak because she's just had an operation on her throat. In the film that is. 'Ralph, I can only do this film if I don't have any lines. I'm just too exhausted to learn any, Darling.'

Tilda's love interest is a Belgian actor. Ralph brings his recently discovered daughter, Dakota Johnson, in order to draw off the Belgian from Tilda.

I hope the other actors had a nice time on the island, which is identified in the film as Lampedusa, and it may well be. There are lots of black, basalt rocks, on which Dakota lies, naked, looking uncomfortable.

There's something actually serious about the way the policeman, who is a fan of Tilda, mishandles his investigation. And the island is shot in a naturalistic way which works to undermine the jet setting lifestyle of the characters, of making them seem less than their surroundings.

But there's not much else good to be said about it. Watch La Piscine if you care so much.

Lampedusa looks like a great place to have a holiday.

Paul Corcoran